The posts here have been thin lately because I’m trying to clear my gargantuan backlog of albums I put off listening to but should probably check out before the end of the year. However, now that I’ve been checking them out, I’ve discovered that most of them are fucking godawful.
So, when the music biz gives you lemons, you whine and complain about what the fuck are you going to do with these goddamn lemons. (And if that’s not your bag, go listen to my latest mixes you bunch of ingrates.) To wit: my take on albums that didn’t make the cut…
Is it weird that most of these songs sound like they could be about Jesus? The winner in that category has to be “Now That I Found You,” otherwise known as Brit Brit’s answer to “Cotton Eyed Joe” (“I can live my life / I believe in faith / I have found myself / I have lost the hate”). I wish I were kidding.
The Worse Things Get, The Harder I Fight, The Harder I Fight, The More I Love You
This is not a bad album, and this is not a worst-of list. Even if it’s not fully my thing, I can admit that there’s plenty to like here, from the way the music often pushes what you expect from the country/folk production into a wholly different emotional place. “Man” is brilliantly pointed, “I’m From Nowhere” meanders in an endearing way, etc. But there’s just nothing that can make up for something as melodramatic as “Nearly Midnight, Honolulu,” at least in my books. It was based on a true story. Oh, well alright then.
The Marshall Mathers LP2
Eminem can still technically rap. That doesn’t mean he can drop even one half-decent single anymore. Stop doing everything in a minor key! Stop trying to do concept songs! Stop ruining classic rock songs like Time of the Season! Stop making nu-metal songs like Survival Of The Fittest! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST STOP
Age Against The Machine
You are probably a bad person if you don’t think “Nexperience” is a song that Cee-Lo should have the opportunity to sing on the season finale of next year’s The Voice so that all of America has to pay attention (“I broke the rules with a pair of dancing shoes, committed blasphemy, even let you laugh at me… After all I’ve done, I’m still a niggerrrrrrrrrrr!!”). On the other hand, Cee-Lo’s deadly-sincere bubblegum ode to “my very first white girl” is the kind of awfulness I had previously only assumed could come from will.i.am.
Who says minimal techno is boring? Certainly not the producer behind Ghostly’s latest full-length. Repetitive? Sure. Dry? Assuredly. Somnolent? Why if the rest of the tracks are like the first one, I think I could listen to this sort of thing for hours upon hou-ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
I was ready to give this a legit shot after “We Can’t Stop” started growing on me. Then I hit “4×4,” Miley’s stab at making a Florida Georgia Line “Cruise”-style country-rap hit, complete with Nelly cameo. “Drivin so fast, bout to piss on myself.” Screw the VMAs, this is precisely where Miley went off the rails. Honorable mention goes to the line: “I ain’t popped no molly, but you still got me sweatin’.” And incidentally, I’m glad that America’s youth are so comfortable with racial issues that an ex-child TV star slipping in and out of appallingly-unconvincing ebonics ranks some eight bazillion slots lower on the offensiveness-ranking-ladder than acting like a slut on television. U.S.A.!
The Brotherhood of the Ram
Who says stoner rock is boring? Certainly no-ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ